We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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