Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
