i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
