mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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