If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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