I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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