Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
