She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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