I swear she didn't look like that last week.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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