Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
third nipple confirmed
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
