then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
my shit smells like andre
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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