so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
