last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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