My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Randomize
