Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
