If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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