Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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