Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
