I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
