Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
