The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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