my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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