U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
