who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize