So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
