i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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