I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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