she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize