Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize