Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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