I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
