Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
