The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
