i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
