y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
not ubering you a puppy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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