Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
