i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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