Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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