You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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