Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
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