My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
