Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
