Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
