It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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