Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
