i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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