Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
