Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
