and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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