I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize