I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize