i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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