I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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