I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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