Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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