he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
