Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
