Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
