i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
