I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
