You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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