He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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