why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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