Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
