I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
