Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
